Setting the Space for Deep Healing
Yesterday, I did my second ketamine IV infusion at a local infusion clinic https://renewketamineinfusion.com that is known for creating a safe, spa-like setting with your own personal room and 1:1 care from a trained medical provider who is there to hold space for you. They set the mindset with offering meditations beforehand, an eye mask, and a specially made playlist.
From Business to Abandonment Wounds
I had recently started noticing a pattern come up in my professional life that I thought was only pertinent to my dating life. The need for external validation and not feeling chosen were finding a way in as I work on building my business.
Then, three weeks ago, a sudden unexpected event with someone triggered my very deep-rooted abandonment wound, and all those thoughts of I did something wrong, I said something wrong, there is something wrong with me, and why am I never chosen? came rushing in.
The emotional reaction of mine felt overwhelming and like I was back to square one with my healing, so I knew it was time to take a deeper dive into my subconscious — beyond what meditation, breathwork, and hypnosis could offer.
It was time to book another ketamine infusion to peel back some layers on this onion.
Setting My Intention
Working with my psychedelic integration coach https://www.coachkrystalrose.com/rapid-transformational-therapy beforehand, we came up with the intention:
“Show me what self-acceptance feels like and what more I need to learn.”
Let’s just say it did not look or feel how I expected.
My experience was very physical — lots of sensations of moving through textures like dark forests, tree lines, and fibrous carpet-like visuals.
The sensations and visuals were mostly not pleasant, but what should have scared me didn’t — because I kept coming back to:
💭 “This will pass.”
💭 “Curiosity over fear.”
💭 “Trust, let go, and be open.”
Meeting Discomfort Without Judgment
I was able to meet uncomfortable parts of the experience without judgment, without analyzing, and from a place of detachment.
I had fleeting thoughts like, “Why is this here?” or “Why can’t I have a light and love-filled experience like some patients report?”
I even had a visual of being trapped under ice, but I observed it without panic — from this curious, grounded place.
Waiting for the Breakthrough…
I kept checking in with my intention: “How does this relate to self-acceptance?”
I thought it might come in the form of deep self-love, or a reflection of why I struggle to accept myself.
But it didn’t come that way.
As the infusion ended, I felt a little disappointed. Didn’t get clarity. No big revelation.
But Then… The Message Landed
As I talked through some of the experience with the NP guiding me, and later when I journaled with simple prompts, it became crystal clear:
✨ My self-acceptance will come as I practice allowing my emotions to come up without beating myself up for having them.
✨ I need to acknowledge them, allow them to say what they need to say, and then let them pass through me.
My Default? Think It Away
My default is to have a feeling arise and immediately — almost subconsciously — try to think my way out of it.
I can now see this comes from early programming: emotions weren’t safe. They were either suppressed or expressed through rage, numbing, or unhealthy coping like food, alcohol, or drugs.
Feeling Deeply Isn’t a Flaw
I feel things very deeply.
If you’re into astrology, maybe it’s the Leo sun and Pisces moon.
I still don’t fully understand birth charts, but I remember when a reader once told me:
“You are all heart. You feel things deeply, and this is very hard for you.”
She had no idea I worked in medicine. This was before I began teaching meditation and breathwork or started working in psychedelic-assisted healing.
She also said:
“You’re meant to be a healer.”
What Self-Acceptance Looks Like (for Me)
Self-acceptance is going to look different for everyone — depending on your core wounds and beliefs.
But for me, the clarity I gained is this:
My self-acceptance is going to come from learning to accept all of my emotions, see them as messengers, and allow them to pass through my body.
I’ll come back to my body through:
- Breathing exercises
- Body scans
- Somatic practices like dancing, shaking, tapping
- Meditation and mindfulness
The Takeaway
Self-acceptance doesn’t always look like self-love.
Sometimes it looks like not analyzing your way out of your emotions in the moment you feel most triggered.
Sometimes it looks like staying present with your pain and saying:
“This is uncomfortable… but I can allow it to move through me”
Want to explore mindfulness and integration tools like the ones I use in my own healing? Click HERE to learn more about my program: Calm in 20: ReCenter Anywhere with Personalized Meditation and Breathwork. It is like hiring a personal trainer for your mind so you can finally create a consistent mindfulness and meditation practice.